High School English teacher Chris Cotton hit the airwaves on June 3 with his satirical take on "No Child Left Behind." Listen to his commentary on WKSU or read it below.

No Car Left Behind
by Christopher Cotton

As a public school teacher, I see first hand the benefits of President Bush’s No Child Left Behind Act. And I wonder, if increased regulation works so well for education, why not apply the same principles to other American institutions? Why should our nation’s schoolchildren be the only ones to benefit from the wisdom of Washington bureaucrats? With General Motors and Ford both struggling, the automobile industry is clearly in need of the same levelheaded reform. And so I submit the following modest proposal: No Car Left Behind.

Of course, standardized testing—and lots of it—is the cornerstone of any sensible policy. No Car Left Behind could be implemented with an annual week of comprehensive assessments, covering subjects like efficiency, emissions, comfort, safety and performance. Each car, minivan, SUV and truck must meet the same standards, regardless of age or condition, just as each schoolchild, regardless of disability or other disadvantages, must meet the education law’s standards. Both laws would share the modest goal of 100% success.

Under current education policy, a school or district can be placed on “academic watch” when any group of students fails any one of the tests. Likewise, with No Car Left Behind, if any model fails any test, the entire automaker will be placed on “automotive watch.” For example, if the Cadillac Escalade SUV flunks the efficiency test because it gets only 14 miles per gallon, or if the Chevy Cavalier is not proficient in comfort due to inadequate legroom, all divisions of General Motors will be placed on automotive watch.

As with the Bush education plan, No Car Left Behind will rely on negative reinforcement to hold automakers accountable. If the company does not make adequate progress within a year, it must pay owners for all repairs or maintenance.  After two years, the CEO must choose a consultant from a government-approved list to tell him or her how to run the company.

In the third sub-par year, the manufacturer enters automotive emergency and must offer greater choice to dissatisfied owners—just as public school districts must transport students to the school of their choice, rebuild that school to accommodate the extra kids, and pay for outside tutoring and classes. If DaimlerChrysler were in automotive emergency, for example, a consumer could trade in—at the company’s expense—a 1998 Dodge Stratus Coupe for an equivalent model, say, a 2005 Toyota MR2 Spyder.

If the culture of incompetence is so deeply ingrained that the automaker falls short a fourth consecutive year, the government will have no recourse but to appoint an expert to take over as CEO. Under No Car Left Behind, this expert will have the power to institute new lines of models, replace executives, close factories, and redistribute workers.

In the fifth year, things get serious. The automaker will be broken up and reopened as smaller “charter businesses,” operating solely for the profit of private contractors selected by the government. The workforce will be terminated, the unions dissolved, and the new owners will be free to hire unskilled labor at minimum wage.

I have no doubt that all reasonable Americans will support No Car Left Behind. A few malcontents and whiners in Detroit might grumble that they know more about cars than government bureaucrats. But these are surely the same benighted souls who once believed that public schools and their citizen boards were competent to create curriculum and judge when students deserved to graduate.  It’s time to cast aside outdated models of local control, and to embrace the new paradigm of centralized planning and regulation.  Just as education is too important to leave up to teachers, car manufacturing is too important to leave in the hands of engineers.

It’s time to chuck away outdated, dreamy-eyed models of local control, and to embrace the new paradigm of centralized planning. Wake up, America! No longer can we depend on the professional force in the classroom or on the factory floor—it’s time to put all our faith in a few nameless but all-knowing functionaries surfing their desks upon the latest waves to break over Washington D.C.

It’s time—as former Education Secretary Rod Paige said—for a “more effective federal role.”

I have no doubt that all reasonable Americans will support my No Car Left Behind proposal. Frankly, given the state of the U.S. economy, the environment and our dependence on foreign oil, I'm surprised that lawmakers have not been clamoring for automotive reform. After all, their policy insists that “the federal government is partly at fault for tolerating abysmal results.” If we can join with the President in stating that “the federal government does not do enough to reward success and sanction failure,” then it's time to put our regulations where our mouth is.

Chris Cotton is an English teacher at Shaker Heights High School. This commentary aired on WKSU-FM on June 3, 2005.

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